Things no Zelda Character would ever do
by Link Fangirl01
Summary: I got bored and decided to put Zelda characters in stupid situations. Yes I'm lazy, yes I know it. But you know what? I AM DONE. Chapter six has been uploaded and this fic is COMPLETED. Woohoo! Thanks to everyone who reviewed!
1. Stupid Situations

This is my first fanfic so please don't be too hard on me. For the first one, it's assuming that the Kokiri would age if they left the Forest.

I have a very twisted sense of humor it seems.

**THINGS NO ZELDA CHARACTER WOULD EVER DO**

Saria walks out of Kokiri Forest long enough to go through puberty. She walks back in with some genuine assets. Mido sees her looking like that and drools until his body shrivels up. Saria pumps her arm and says in a calm voice "Cha Ching".

The Great Deku Tree tells Navi to go find Link. She says no, he says yes. They continue arguing until Navi gets fed up and decides to help Ghoma out with the curse.

If Navi _did _go to fetch Link, she bumps into the fence 6 times and reels around drunkenly. "…I shouldn't have had that many drinks last night." When she finally gets to his house, he gets mad and eats her for waking him up.

All the Kokiri are laughing at Mido because he looks like a doofus. He gets really upset, runs out of the forest, and dies. The Kokiri have a big party and roast his fairy in celebration.

Link is in the GDT and gets to Ghoma. He shrieks "YAY, a new pet!" and promptly slingshots Navi to her for a snack.

Princess Zelda is staring through the window in her courtyard when Ganondorf walks in. She falls to the ground, clutching her face, and screams loud enough for all of Hyrule to hear~ "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! MY EYES, MY EYEEEEEEEEEESS! THEY BURN!"

Ganondorf gets lonely in his big castle; so he invites all the evil creatures of Hyrule in for a rave and everyone gets drunk.

Ganondorf walks in to the Great Deku Tree's meadow and demands the Kokiri's Emerald. Eventually the GDT gets tired of the threats so he sucks Ganon in and eats him.

Link rescues Ruto from Jabu-Jabu's stomach. When they get out, he steals the Sapphire from her and pushes her back in, laughing evilly.

Link wakes up from his seven year sleep and Rauru starts talking to him about being the Hero of Time. Link rolls his eyes and sighs. "Do us a favor and shut up will you? I'm trying to sleep here."

Ganondorf shows up right after Zelda gives Link the Light Arrows. Link shoots him and says "problem solved."

King Zora begs Link to go rescue his daughter. Link replies "Get your fat carcass off the ground and get her yourself!"

Zora Link is in Mikau's room and the fat guy is apologizing for breaking the ladder. Link says in a low dangerous voice, "I don't think so". He slices the fat zora up and roasts him, whooping "Yay, fish for supper!"

All the characters pose for a picture. Ganondorf cheers like a two yr. old when it's been developed and he sees his face on it.

Sis helped me with the first. Genius, no?


	2. More Stupid Stuff

Sorry for the really long wait guys. Here's the chapter that most of you have been asking for.

**MORE STUPID STUFF**

The Sages get really bored in the Temple of Light and decide to put on a music video.

Anju and Kafei get drunk at their wedding reception after the carnival.

When Link gets to Ganon's castle they decide they don't feel like fighting. So Ganon challenges Link to a tennis match of energy balls.

17 yr. old Link goes to the Deku sprout and asks him what he should be doing. The sproud says "Why the heck should I tell you?"

Link is in the Fire Temple and gets to the boss room. When he sees Volvagia he whoops and uses an extra big bottle to capture him as a new pet.

Ganon walks up to the King and is going to "swear his eternal allegiance" when the King says, "Ugh, what is that nasty mess all over my floor?"

Link sees Morpha for the first time and says "that is sick man, that is just too sick."

KG (that big stupid owl) is talking to Link in the Hyrule Field. Link sighs and says "will you just shut the heck up?"

Link plays Saria's song for Darunia and when Darunia starts dancing; he screams "OMIGOSH! YOU'RE INSANE!"

Link's doing that diving thing in Zora's Domain to get those rupees. When he jumps of the cliff he shouts "KAMIKAZE!"

Link is leaving Hyrule castle and is talking to Impa when she says "You're heading out on a big, new adventure aren't you?" and Link replies "Ya think?"

Before Link leaves the castle he talks to Impa. "You're heading out on a big new adventure aren't you?" she asks. Link replies "ya think?"


	3. Chapter 3

I'm sorry this is so late! I'm lazy, I know but summer's almost here so I'll…try to write. Read and review peeps! I'm also suffering a distinct lack of ideas, so feel free to submit.

Link's having his nightmare before the game actually starts. He sees Ganon and screams "THAT IS THE FREAKIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!"

Link's going to the boss room in Ganodork's castle and mutters to himself "Can't carry a tune in a sack that one"

Link sees the Peahats for the first time and yells "Flying pineapples!"

Link's fighting King Dodongo and blows him up. Navi asks "you're enjoying this aren't you?" "Yes, yes I am" he replies giggling. (this is not mine)

Link first appears in front of Zelda surprising her, and she asks "How did you get past the guards?" "I'm sorry" Link replies "is this a trick question?"

In MM Link sees Anju's "granny" and starts screaming "THERE'S A LIVING CORPSE(wow that's an oxymoron) IN THIS HOUSE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Link's in Gerudo Valley and sees the cucco running around. He chases it toward the cliff and it goes off and dies. "Hahahahaha, stupid bird!" he laughs as it falls off.

Link sees a Great Fairy for the first time and screams "AAAAAAHHH! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?" He falls to the ground and his eye starts twitching.

During the ending credits Mido is sitting next to King Zora. The king suddenly falls asleep, rolls over, and squishes Mido like a bug.

Mido attempts to stop Link from entering the Great Deku Tree's meadow for the first time. Link pulls out his sword/dagger and growls "_get out of the way._" "Mommy!" Mido screams and runs away like the wuss he is.

Adult Link meets Mido in the woods and Mido says his little speech. Link thinks '_He doesn't realize it's me, this is beautiful!'_and falls over laughing.

Link shoots GOHT with the fire arrow to unfreeze him. When GOHT thaws, he falls over dead. Link shouts "Alright! Bullseye!"

Link says to Zelda "Zelda, I want a divorce" (thank you Glow's Chronicle)

In "A Link to the Past" Link finds the entrance to the castle at the very beginning of the game. "This, is secret? Oh puh-leez"

See that little button? CLICK! Reviewers are my friends. Anyone who flames will be punted off the site, accompanied by evil cackling.


	4. Chapter 4

**A NEW CHAPTER!! **

Link and Dark Link meet, Link takes one look at him and says, "WOW, am I really that hot?" Freaked out, Dark Link screams "HOMO!" and runs away.

In MM, When Kafie asks link to deliver his pendant to Anju, Link says to himself, "Shucks, I'm just gonna keep it." He goes back in time and finds that he lost it, "SHOOT"

Zelda is dropping off link at the Market. She grabs her wallet and pulls out 10 rupees. Link takes the entire wallet (which has 50 rupees) and says "Thanks for the gift!"

Link is shopping in the Market and buys deku nuts. The guy says "That will be 50 rupees." Link says "WHAT, I'M THE HERO OF TIME, I DEMAND A DISCOUNT!!" Then he grabs the nuts, and leaves one green rupee and walks away.

Link comes home with a cake, "Hey Zelda you want some?" Zelda says "no thanks" and link replies, "more for me!"

In MM, Link walks into the town on the new day, and is asked to help out with a stand. Link says "forget you, I'm outta here."

After getting the light arrows Zelda is taken away screaming, "SAVE ME!" Link says, "Let's think. No, I don't really feel like it"

In A Link to the Past, Link wakes up from his dream of Zelda calling him and says, " It's 7.00 am. Save yourself! I'm going back to sleep"

Link is watching TV. Zelda comes in and puts her arms around him to embrace him. She says, "I love you!" Link says, "Scram, you're interrupting the game!" Zelda slaps him.

A deku scrub asks link for help in A Link to the Past at his house. Link asks, "Do I have to move?" The scrub says, "Yes." Link says, "Beat it."

In Minish Cap, the cap asks to sit on his head, so Link says, "I'm not your personal seating arrangement, you're on your own freaky possessed cap."

Link is cooking in the castle, and Zelda walks in with a business suit on and asks, "Boy what's for dinner?" Link says "not for you!"

KG is talking to Link in Hyrule Field and his head flips over. Link stares, open-mouthed while the owl continues to talk. "Dude…that is so WEIRD!"

Navi says "HEY! There's an arctic wind blowing from the Zora's domain!" Link says "And this concerns me…how?"

TP Link asks Colin's mom "where's your son and who's this pretty little girl?" "Do I look like a girl to you?" the "girl" asks. "Um…Ooops?"

Young Link walks up to the guard by Death Mountain and asks to be let in. The guard says no so Link grabs him by the front and growls "let me in or suffer the consequences"

To celebrate Morpha's death Link rents Zora's domain for a pool party.

* * *

The third to last actually happened while my sister was playing Twilight Princess. ALOT of these came from my wonderful reviewers, you should by now be able to tell which ones are mine. My disclaimer: I DIDN'T COME UP WITH ALL OF THESE, I changed some around a bit but the original ideas are not mine. Sorry I didn't mention you guys by name!!! I forgot whose ideas were whose. (did i use the right grammer there? hmmm...)

now, REVIEW!!! please? -puppy eyes-


	5. I LIVE!

**CHAPTER FIVE!!!!**

TP Link walks sees Hyrule Castle for the first time and says. "WOW, this is huge!! What am I doing here again?"

Link is in Zora's domain diving off the ridiculously huge waterfall but he forgot about the rocks at the bottom. Ouch.

Link gets the Iron boots from the Ice Caverns and peers at them. "Oooh, they're shiny!!" Navi mentally slaps herself and says "Those boots look like they weigh a ton! I bet you can walk to the bottom of the lake in those" Link doesn't get the hint and starts tap dancing with the boots.

In Twilight Princess during one of the boss battles Link says to Midna "I just realized if you abbreviate Twilight Princess it stands for Toilet Paper!!"

In Minish Cap Ezlo gives Link a cap and he shouts "It doesn't talk, YAY!!!"

TP Link kills the mailman because he's too ugly to live.

OoT Link kills the mailman and does the best thing since the invention of sliced bread.

In Twilight princess, when link is fighting the dragon, link says "Yo, MAMA" and the dragon says "WHAT JEW SAY ABOUT MY MAMA?"

In Super Smash Bros. Melee, Link and Zelda are in Mute City betting on the race.

When sheik reveals himself to link, link says, "I always thought you were a guy. Aw man, this changes everything!"

Zelda and Link are at the ranch. Zelda asks "what's for dinner." Link puts his sword through a cuckoo, holds it up like a kabob, and says, "how about chicken?"

Zelda and Link are in the kokiri forest looking at the stars. Zelda says "I love you ". Link says, "I love cheese".

Link is the judge for a beauty pageant and Zelda is at his side. The swim suit competition is being announced and Link says, "Oo-La-La". Zelda gets mad and leaves.

Link is fighting Majora's Wrath (third form of Majora's mask final boss) and says "Dang you're ugly." Majora's Wrath says, "Get used to it, because this is your wife in eighteen years."

A deku messenger goes to link and says, "Link, sire, your kingdom is under attack. Termina is invading." Link says, "So do something about it."

Anju goes to Zelda and asks her, "When do you think Link is going to give technology a chance?" Zelda answers to say is, "When technology can get him out of saving the world." Link walks in and says, "STILL NO"

Ruto asks link, "why won't you go out with me?" Link says, "Zelda and I are married!" Ruto asks, "Oh Congrats, when did that happen?" Link says, "Two years ago, you were there, I have PICTURES."

Ruto asks Zelda, "Link still doesn't like me. What wrong with me?" Zelda asks "Where do I begin?"

Ruto is so desperate for a date with Link, she goes up to him and asks,

"Link, what's your idea of a perfect date?" Link says, "When somebody makes me a buffet dinner." She asks what his favorite food is and he answers "FISH, preferably sushi"

When Midna reveals her true form to Link he says "The imp was bad enough but this…is just gross."

Link and Midna are listening to Zant rant about how he is the 'true ruler of the twilight.' Link whispers to Midna, "This guy's got some serious issues to work out, he needs anger management." Midna whispers back "Zant rant, it rhymes!"


	6. Chapter 6: finally

**TA-DAAA!**

**CHAPTER SIX**

In, "A Link to the Past" Link bombs the wall of that house in Kakariko that used to belong to Blind. The owner asks for money to repair the "door". Link asks "what door?"

TP Link asks Midna if that hand thing coming out of her head is her hair. "Y'know" Midna replies, looking at it "I'm not really sure."

Ganon broke the Ocarina he stole from Link, thinking it was the Ocarina of Time. He stares at the shards and there's a note there. "Haha, gotcha sucker" (this is from the manga)

When the six sages build a bridge for Link to cross to get to Ganon's castle, he looks at it and says "Wow, nice job guys. You could not have possibly made this bridge any gayer. Niiiiiiiice job."

When walking up to said gay bridge Link sees a sign. It reads "Skittles, taste the rainbow."

TP Link asks the guy he works for if he specializes in genetic manipulation. The rancher gives him a questioning look. Link replies "The horns dude, _look_ at the horns."

Zant removes his mask. Link says thoughtfully "Y'know, the mask was actually an improvement" before falling to the ground shrieking about how his eyes burn.

It is revealed to all of Hyrule during the final battle that Princess Zelda wears combat boots instead of heels. (this is during TP)

Link wolf-whistles when he sees Midna's true form. She punches him.

Link sees Chancellor Cole for the first time and asks if the hats are some sort of weird fashion statement. Cole guts him.

Link renames Volvagia's chamber as "Whack-a-dragon".

SP Zelda's new theme song is "Ghostbusters".

If I don't end this now I'll never finish it! My first every multi-chapter "fic" is done(and it took 4 years)! WOOHOO! Hope you all enjoyed my twisted sense of humor.

-bows herself out- No flaming, review please.


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